September 13, 2011

Guest Comment: From J

Incidentally, I have a comment from dear reader J that I've been meaning to share for months, as it communicates so perfectly what I would have loved to say in that post.  I asked her if I could share it, because those who don't read the comments all the time would be missing out on how well she articulates the frustration and despair of trying to hide hirsutism day after day after day.  It gives us all a chance to see what a guest blogger post might look like, too.

Thank you, J!

I wish I could bottle up the emotion and psychological heartbreak of those kind of moments into a jar so other people could sample what it really feels like for us at times.

The one's like you described where no matter how hard you work or creative you get there is like no possible way to leave the safety (and confinement) of your home without feeling like the "elephant in the room" everywhere you go, like you're on display, and disgusting.

And how it feels to feel no choice but to cancel plans and disappoint the people we care about most, and then to have them upset and not understand why, to have them think we are being antisocial, or lazy, or straight up superior and rude... because they cannot know the reason and feelings behind our choice to withdraw ourselves. When in reality we would love nothing more than to be with the one's we love, uninhibited and whole and bright and shiny :p Isolation in your physical circumstance is one thing, but repression in and negative portrayal of who you are inside... That's an aweful feeling in itself.

How about the one's where you groom and primp and paint and finally reach "normality", but are so drained after the process that you cry and ruin it all, or simply misplace your identity, feeling fake or vulnerable, or so insecure, not knowing how to proceed with the day.

There's the one's where you are invited to a stellar event or a once in a lifetime opportunity, and you get so excited!! But it lasts for only a second, before it hits you... these types of things are not for me... they are for normal people, the lucky ones, the old me, the me that one day will be... but not now, not this thing I am now... these are not meant for me.

But like a cycle, like you did then, with the frustration and the tears, and tea and the dog. We accept it, experience it, we get through the pain, we pull it together, and "just... go on with life."

Just a few of the types of feelings we have the joy of living with.

Read the original comment here.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...


J.... Oh my. I keep rereading your post and it's just impossible how well I know how you feel. I am now staying home the third month in a row, going on fourth. I mean: staying home. I mean: I try to sit on the balcony for some time, just to get air to my brain and it ends up in panic after fifteen minutes or so. Lost my job, my social life, running out of money...

I could just rewrite your post and it would mirror my feelings from right before the "locked up" stage. I know where it leads and I KNOW it is not good. And I try to tell you, girls like us: dont do it. I have great arguments for living "normally". I post the comments. Only, its a completely new story when you've got to apply it all to yourself.

I especially empathise with the part when you get excited about going somewhere you have been planning for, dreaming of and then CANCELLING. Staying home, hating yourself for not going, feeling guilty but just not being able to physically go.

I KNOW people are not looking at me when I am walking to buy groceries (I order online now). I KNOW even if they looked, they will not make it the "event of the day" if they see my beard or a disgusting spot (that is probably covered by my haircut + hoody + scarves + ...., anyway). I KNOW I will love to enjoy the event I was planning to go to whether I am hirsute, allergic or whatever else bothers me. So Why? .... Why is it so hard that it becomes impossible?
I seriously have tried Everything to overcome this. My shrinks tried everything. I WANT to overcome this and I KNOW it's "easy". So why cant I?... Why is this winning with us, why do we let it?

There is no way to explain anybody this “knowledge” and lack of ability to act on it. If only there was a magic jar I could bottle up my emotions in and just present to the "others", only so they "get" it. So they stop saying I'm a lazy junkie who can't be bothered to come to work. If they understood just a small part of it, I think, ironically, that could help.

Thanks for this post, J.