May 24, 2011


This weekend I gave myself one of the worst nicks I've ever had. It immediately flooded me with anger, because I know I was being careless and trying too hard to get a close shave around my chin area. Idiot, it's a new style of blade, I'm still learning how to use it! Should have been more careful.

So now there's a Psycho-esque mess going down the drain, and it will not. Stop. Bleeding. I tried all the usual tricks. Cold water. Pressure. Bits of toilet paper. Globbing on the thickest substance to hand (usually my facial soap) just to at least keep it from streaming down my neck. Nothing worked but time. And then trying to cover up the scab with make up? Forget about it! Every time I tried, I would disturb the clot and and open the flood gates all over again.

I ended up having to cancel my plans for the morning. I thought there was no way I was going out to be around human beings. So I shed some tears of frustration and self pity, cuddled my dog, had a cup of tea. And then when I felt I'd wasted enough time feeling sorry for myself, I just... went on with life. But the awareness that I avoided something because I wanted to hide how I looked haunted my mood for some time afterward. I know full well that is not the way it should be. But it's the way that it is--it's hard to help that.


Anonymous said...

I wish I could bottle up the emotion and psychological heartbreak of those kind of moments into a jar so other people could sample what it really feels like for us at times.
The one's like you described where no matter how hard you work or creative you get there is like no possible way to leave the safety (and confinement) of your home without feeling like the "elephant in the room" everywhere you go, like you're on display, and disgusting.
And how it feels to feel no choice but to cancel plans and disappoint the people we care about most, and then to have them upset and not understand why, to have them think we are being antisocial, or lazy, or straight up superior and rude... because they cannot know the reason and feelings behind our choice to withdraw ourselves. When in reality we would love nothing more than to be with the one's we love, uninhibited and whole and bright and shiny :p Isolation in your physical circumstance is one thing, but repression in and negative portrayal of who you are inside... That's an aweful feeling in itself.
How about the one's where you groom and primp and paint and finally reach "normality", but are so drained after the process that you cry and ruin it all, or simply misplace your identity, feeling fake or vulnerable, or so insecure, not knowing how to proceed with the day.
There's the one's where you are invited to a stellar event or a once in a lifetime opportunity, and you get so excited!! But it lasts for only a second, before it hits you... these types of things are not for me... they are for normal people, the lucky ones, the old me, the me that one day will be... but not now, not this thing I am now... these are not meant for me.

But like a cycle, like you did then, with the frustration and the tears, and tea and the dog. We accept it, experience it, we get through the pain, we pull it together, and "just... go on with life."

Just a few of the types of feelings we have the joy of living with.

I'm so glad you're here, beautiful Allerleirah. Because it's just not possible to put our feelings into a jar for others to experience, to have an iota of understanding on how this "trivial flaw" affects us. So alone we are left to live in the bodies we inhabit, and to deal with the consequences of our limitations and obligations, whether self-imposed or unavoidable.

But then again, we are not alone, are we? We are 'we', we are many, we are special, and we Are strong.
It is by the actions of people such as yourself that THOSE feelings are possible, and YOUR trials, tribulations, dedications and inspirations are accessible.
Carry on love, carry on.

-Jade :) or Jadri, or J, as I've signed over the years I've stopped in.

Allerleirah said...

Yes. That. Exactly that.

You've expressed the experience far better than I could. Just bang-on articulation of what it can be like.

May I reblog this? I would hate for anyone to miss reading it because they don't click on "Comments."

Jade said...

Thanks a lot. It really is a good feeling to be able to talk to and express myself to someone about this subject, and to have someone actually relate is the icing on the cake.
Sure! Do with it what you will :) & Feel free to edit, add or change anything at all if the spirit moves ya.