April 27, 2010

On a Pendulum

I wonder sometimes if I come across as a hypocrite.

On the one hand, I wish I could raise awareness so the average person would stop cringing at the thought of excess body hair, stop mocking it ignorantly, stop writing off people who might have it... just stop thinking of it in a way that is so out of proportion with what is truly important in life.

But on the other hand I, too, dwell on it in a disproportionate fashion. I'm so ashamed of it that I put a lot of energy into hiding it, and in sharing anything helpful I find with other women. I just wish it was gone, the problem erased, instead of thinking of it as a challenge or something useful to keep me humble and compassionate.

On the one hand, I wish people would be okay with the fact that I have the hair, even if only because it is out of sight.

On the other hand, I wish they could appreciate it's not that simple. It's still there in the back of my mind, always present, wreaking havoc with my confidence. The act of shaving every time I want to leave the house, the act of hiding in the house and avoiding mirrors and family every time I don't, it wears on me. It makes each day more of a struggle than I ever imagined I'd have in my life.

Is it making me stronger or am I just imagining it because I wish it would?

Am I going to constantly swing between humiliation and determination?

I'm not actually at a low point personally, but I'm feeling bad about someone else's disappointments right now. It means a lot of depressing contemplation and ample consumption of chocolate. Next week will be better.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Just know that while the particulars of your predicament are unique and no doubt frequently devastating, you are not alone. Whether we share your condition, struggle with weight, cosmetic injury, acne, etc. It is a very rare individual who lives without such struggles.

I work in the movie business, and it may comfort you to know that even those celebrated for their beauty suffer such slings and arrows and spend countless hours combatting nature. Last night, my wife pointed out a blog article discussing a starlet's new hair cut and implying her boyfriend must be into little boys.

What's more, there is somebody for everybody. I crush on women with excess body hair. It kills me to watch my wife struggling every day to get rid of a quality I find desirable. I live for our quiet weeks of vacation, but she still finds that difficult. I rest in the knowledge that other couples have similar struggles, and I would remind you that if you keep putting yourself out there, you will find someone who will either accept or desire you for who you are.

A warning: my wife would tell you she'd prefer acceptance. ;)

Sophie said...

Sure, you are such a hypocrite! lol

Right...

It really reminds me of LD's post and of my own thoughts. One day: hey, lets go and save the world and write songs about it. The next: fack it all and everything else, Im not gonna encourage anyone to feel good about it when I am so down myself! One day: I will sleep longer today and wont pluck and i dont care what they say in the office. The next: i need to call in sick cause i hate the way i look and if someone mentions it, i'll be depressed for a year.

So... does that mean all cysters are hypocrites? Because they know whats the right thing to think/do/say but they all still live in the world that has made the rules and these rules are slightly... stupid? It is hard to tell someone (even if you are feeling great): "dont worry, everybody will love you if you start running around with a beard" if you know that's not true...

Ive been pretty down these weeks about a lot of stuff. While having these lovely thoughts that you all know, one of them, actually picked me up a wee bit - i was thinking of asking Jennifer Miller to come over and then pop in to my office, I dont know, to pick me up for lunch or whatever... Just so they see... So they can talk about it until they get so bored that it will never be mentioned again. And then I'll support Jenni's approach!

oh my...

Allerleirah said...

Anonymous - So true. No matter who you are, everyone has a battle.

I empathize with your wife. Even in a situation where it feels "safe" to let it all hang out so to speak, it still doesn't feel comfortable to do so. We really can be our own worst enemy!


Sophie - You make a good point. We all have mood swings where we feel we can take on the world with our beards, and then times when we'd rather live under a rock. It's not just me!

I would feel strange hanging out with a lady who is proud of her beard when I am so ashamed of mine. But what a statement that would make. If you invite her into your office, hire a camera crew! I want to see your coworkers' faces.

Sophie said...

no, its not just you...

lol i read my previous post and remembered my jennifer miller idea :) wow. sure, i'd hire a camera crew.

i read somewhere she is so used to people staring at her that she thinks thats how people naturally are with each other. i think it could be hard and akward to be with a brave woman like that in the same space and time but i also think it could really help in understanding that it all depends on us, how we live our lifes, how we let others get to us... i should write to her...

anonymous moved me a lot. a lot.

Allerleirah said...

Really? I should read more articles on her. She's a fascinating woman. I'm grateful hirsutism has at least introduced me to a world of such amazing people I probably would have shied away from otherwise.

I know, great comment, right? :D Of course, I love all my comments...