February 21, 2012

Extra Thoughts on Romance

I’m finding this post doesn’t really have a strong point, but when I was editing the post from a couple of weeks ago, there were some comments and mental meanderings that didn’t fit.  So here goes.

I think that nurturing contentment with myself as a whole helps me when faced with a man I’ve found initially attractive.  You know, you meet someone and something about him piques your interest.  Maybe it’s the way he looks (come on, it happens), or his confident attitude.  Maybe he’s making the people around him crack up with laughter, or after talking briefly you find he’s well-traveled or as fascinating hobbies.  It could be something completely indefinable that draws you to him.  I don’t know about you girls but I have always found it hard to stand in front of somebody who stirs my biology when in the back of my mind, I’m conscious that I’m hirsute. 

Maybe I’m having a bad shave week and I’ve got lots of blemishes from ingrown hairs.  Perhaps I just couldn’t get my make-up to lay flat or something.  Maybe it’s none of those things, but you still imagine that it is.  And it could be that simply, deep down, there is still a lot of shame living there, and you think, What am I doing?  I have no right to lead this person on when I’m hiding something that will probably make him run away eventually.

Listen to that, though.  What do you mean you don’t have a right to something?  (I’m addressing myself, too, here.)  So we have a little physical quirk, so what?  We are beautiful, loving, caring, intelligent, interesting women.  Heck, aren’t we all the more interesting for being able to grow beards?  

My inner dialogue when trying to converse with someone I’m drawn to has gotten better with time.  And that’s thanks to what I was talking about in the post from the week before last. 

Is he staring at my chin?  Yeah, that’s right, buddy, have a good long look. And you never know, it can be good for a guy to know you’re not perfect.  Takes some of the pressure off him to be anything other than himself. 

Did he just make a catty comment about another woman’s appearance?  Is he really arguing that face shaving can be tiring, but women should never not shave their legs?  Ugh, why does he have a collection of pictures of swimsuit models on his Facebook?  Maybe he’s exhibiting a deal-breaker really early on, and that’s okay.  That’s for the best.  I’m saving him a potential brain hemorrhage when he finds out that women with beards are more than just some scary bedtime story.  Come to think, these kinds of things could be red flags for any woman.  (And if those things are just part of a front that doesn't really reflect the person inside, he may be an ideal man, but only after he grows up a bit.)

We are not worth any less for being women with beards.  We don’t have to settle for someone who won’t treat us the way we deserve.  We don't have to feel ashamed to stand in front of someone we're attracted to and flirt a little.  We don’t even have to be seeking, waiting for that prince to come.  The more we cultivate our own good qualities and talents, the happier we will be in ourselves, and the better we will be able to stand up to the intimidation of a potential romance in the future.


Anonymous said...

I love this post so much! I read it so many times, I think I memorised it by now! :) First of all, dont you think ALL girls feel a bit less confident standing in front of their "crush"? Even those super models in swimsuits - I think they also wonder about their blemishes when wanting to impress someone - it's a human thing. Only, with us, its more like "yeah, but WE have the real problem".
But - do we?
I've been doing the routine of "I cant lead him on because I have hair" ALL my life. The moment someone Likes Me and shows signs of wanting to come closer is the moment I run away in order to avoid showing the secret.
WTF?! I mean, seriously? Why am I doing this? I am a person as much as anyone else. Everybody has secrets. Mine does not hurt anyone, you cant get ill from knowing it/looking at it/touching it and... My secret is who I really am. Why should I be hiding this? Why should I feel like it's MY fault that a boy was disappointed to find out I am not as smooth as Kate Moss. I've got to stop feeling GUILTY for who I am, for what I look like. And stop worrying about who thinks what... I have the right to like someone and be friendly and nice toward them if I like them.

Imagine your brunette friend told you that their boyfriend split up with her because he found out she is an original blond. Would you think "bad" about your friend or the boyfriend?

Allerleirah said...

Oh, I'm sure even if I weren't hirsute I'd feel awkward.

Ugh, that thought snuck into my mind recently, too: "If I don't tell him about the hair right away I'd be leading him on." Why do we do this to ourselves? All of us--hirsute or not... it's got to be a human instinct.

I have to believe that loving ourselves has got to come first, then feeling guilty for who we are might be a rarer experience.